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BYE.

Good For Me - Above and Beyond

So much has happened, I don't think I'm going to even bother twisting my brain that way to remember it all and explain it so you'll understand all that I'm about to say...

Stephen is gone. He left sometime this morning for Toronto to live with his brother. I didn't say goodbye and neither did he. I feel so strange, I mean, I always knew that he was eventually leaving and I'd probably never talk to him again, but now that moment has come and gone and I have to admit, it caught me a little off guard. I shouldn't care that he's out of my life. After six months of being treated like dirt, you would expect me to have built up some sort of barrier, something to keep his sweet words out of my head and heart. But, I used to forgive him so easily, I guess nothing's really changed... Even with what he's been saying about me lately behind my back. But I deserve that.

I fell for someone else. And so far, he hasn't hurt me. I think he likes me. I don't wanna fuck this up, but, let's face it... that's what I do best. I'm happy. Which kinda makes me nervous, because 'what goes up, must come down' and now I'm just bracing myself for the inevitable fall I'm doing my best to avoid.

Okay. This is it. One book closed, another one opened. I'm gonna be better, at everything. I'm gonna get rid of all that crap that I've made into habits. Maybe I'll be able to keep the things that make me happy.

Keep on Rocking Me Baby - Steve Miller Band

The party was a success. Everyone said they had a good night and I had a great time! I'll write more later, right now I'm going to go enjoy this good mood I'm in.

Only When I Lose Myself - Depeche Mode

Do you ever think about how small we are? Not even just that, but just how short a time we're here for in the grand scheme of things and how huge and awesome the universe really is? I'm reading a book Jon let me borrow called 'The Age of Spiritual Machines' and it's really making my brain hurt. And I'm only in the first couple of chapters! I wish I could somehow stick around for the next couple of hundred years, just to see what happens to the human race. I don't think I'd necisarily want to live through it all because, well let's face it, we're fucked and it's very quickly building up to a breaking point. But just to know what's going to happen and how all the peices are going to fall together... I feel like I'm going to be missing out on a lot. But, if you look at it that way, there's a whole lot of history I missed out on as well... But the future is so much more interesting and mysterious.

I'm kinda thinking that way a lot lately. I'm sick of looking back so much and living through the past, when I've got a great opportunity right in front of me to let go of everything else, and make something happen. I need to stop being afraid of change, and trying to keep things the way they used to be and never can be again. People change, even when they try not to and situations change. Yesterday I was talking to a friend I hadn't seen in months, and she made me realise that if you go into a relationship (or any other situation in life) knowing that things will change and people will change as time goes on, you can make that relationship last so much longer. If you try to keep things the same, eventually, you're just two people expecting the other person to be someone they aren't anymore. It's not fair to either of you.


Check out the high spiders:



I just read what I wrote... That was deep. I think we've made a real breakthrough here tonight folks!

Landlocked Blues - Bright Eyes

I'm very tired. Last night was a blurr of parties... I went to bed at about 4:30 this morning. When Dylan and Jason dropped me off, I could hear birds singing. I fell into bed without even caring if I changed my clothes or not, and woke up two hours later, got into the car with my dad and drove to Toronto to take a tour and check out Sheridan. Besides the crazy lack of sleep, I had a good time and all in all, I'm pretty happy with the place.

I have shower curtain rings stuck on my arm. I would explain that better... But that's all you really need to know. They hurt to put on, and they'll be a bitch to get off...

I've Seen Better Days - Sublime

I went to Jon's party last night. It was a pretty good time to be had by all I think. I think I impressed Jon by being able to do two shots of Tequilla in the time he did one. (It surprised even me.) Earlier in the day, my class had gone for an all day biking trip, and my ass hurt from my bike seat, and my knee got smashed on a rock, and was acting funny on me. But that didn't stop me from havin a good night. Stephen showed up around 11pm, which was fine at first, but... apparently not fine with some people later on. But that's my fault, I guess. He tried to talk to me about how it was soo unlike me to let someone else affect what I do, but I don't see it that way at all. The situation is complicated and more likely than not, it's just going to get even more complicated as time goes on.

But, Jon made me a sign! I almost got set on fire at one point during the night, so he photoshoped this, and put it on his fridge. It made me smile.




And a couple photos I got from our biking trip.




And, in other news... I am officially going to Sheridan college. I haven't told everyone yet, but by the end of the week I hopefully will. A lot of people wanted me to go to Fanshawe, but in all honesty, I'm not ready for a 3 year course. I'm not in a place where I'm so sure of what I want to do that I'm willing to make that kind of commitment and risk. It's not worth it for me. So, as much as I would love to be able to go to London with my friends and I know if I did, I'd have a blast... But, Sheridan is more along the lines of what I can handle right now and hopefully people don't get mad at me for making that choice.

Take Me Home Again - DZK

I'm trying to get some stuff sorted out. The past couple of weeks have been an adventure, that's for sure. I haven't talked to Stephen in a while, and as strange as it sounds... I feel better with him not being in my life as much. I almost feel guilty for saying it, but he isn't the same person he used to be and I can't keep expecting him to be. He just doesn't care about me anymore, and though that hurts, I've realised, it's really for the best. Everytime I see him, he makes me feel guilty for something I've done, or makes me feel like I'm just not worth anyone's time. I don't like being around someone who treats me like that... And there are so many other people in my life now that actually care about me. I'm slowly realising that not every guy out there is gonna treat me the way Stephen did, and it's not normal to go through all that. I'm definatly not ready for a relationship or anything, but I am branching out a little more.

Our ESP (Environmental Studies Program) class did a waste audit this week. We went through our school's garbage (yeah, all of it) and sorted out what was recyclable and what wasn't. The whole thing was a pretty interesting experience, we got all dressed up in white suits to keep the crap off us, and Dylan even brough a gas mask, which ended up being a good idea because the smell got pretty bad!



And some guy from The Sun Times came and did an article on what we were doing. Unfortunatly, it was portrayed in a more negative way than we had hoped, but that's the media for you. It was really pretty strange to see us, 20 kids in white suits and rubber gloves, sorting through huge piles of garbage while singing Bohemian Rhapsody as loud as we could (we didn't have any music, so we sang for most of the day). I think a number of other people at school thought we were pretty nuts.

But that class has turned out to be great in a lot of ways, minus some of the work. We went on a hike up to Ingles Falls and back which was a pretty fun day. I loved getting my boots covered in mud and just walking around in the woods the way I used to all the time.



This weekend is gonna be good I think. Jason's parents aren't home, so we'll have a place to crash at the end of our nights rather than getting Dylan or someone to drive us all home. I went to a little party last night with Jason, and he ended up getting pretty sleepy and it was cute. I think I'll be partying with him tonight too. He's one of those people that makes you feel worth something. And I need that right now.

Bold as Love - John Mayer

I remember the window breaking because I could feel little pointy raindrops on my back. I'm pretty sure Stephanie was with me, taking care of me, but at that point I couldn't really see anything other than what was going on in my head. Eventually Jason, Nathan and Laura showed up... I'm not really sure how that happened... And Nathan was getting me to drink water and they were putting up with me as only good friends can do. I kinda 'woke up' or 'snapped out of it', and found myself sitting in a chair, curled up with Jason and Nathan, wearing Nathan's shoes and figuring out what my body was doing. My ribs felt like they were slowly breaking and my head was lost somewhere between reality and... something else. I feel bad when people take care of me. But, there's one more hint that I should slow down a little, maybe I'll listen this time. The good times are killing me.

Lua - Bright Eyes

A few years ago my dad had some breathing problems... His vocal chords would snap shut and he would be unable to inhale. Kinda like he was being strangled. He would cough and choke and stumble around for a few minutes until he could breathe again. It used to scare the hell outa my family. My mom told me if it ever happened while she wasn't home I'd have to drive him to the hospital as fast as I could. He ended up at the hospital once, and we learned that the worst that could happen was him passing out, and his vocal chords would then relax and he'd be able to breathe again. So now when his vocal chords close up, we try and help him relax while we calm ourselves down and wait for it to be over.

I had to drive him to the hospital tonight. I'm not a good driver, I don't even have my G1, and the whole way there, all I could think about was if we crashed or got stuck in a snowbank somewhere, he could die, and it would be all my fault. He's better now. But they don't know what's wrong with him.

Today wasn't great. I was not expecting today to be so fucking harsh.

Free - Cat Power

So I've come to the conclusion that I won't be able to pull this off for long, but I'm gonna stretch it out as long as it'll go for. I had a fun night last night, went bowling hung out with some people I don't get to see that much, which was great. I miss nights like that where you just have fun and don't worry about other shit. My only bad moment of the night was when I heard people talking about me behind my back, which I didn't really expect but whatever. Drama happens.

I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in almost a week. But, I think I like it that way. Someday soon, I'm going to go out all night and never stop just having fun with some good people, and then go someplace and just watch the sunrise. I miss the sunrise.

Neon - John Mayer

I don't even know where to begin. I'm having one of those weeks where time just kinda slides by without you even noticing or caring at all really. Stephen's in the hospital. Yeah, I know. I called him up the other day, just to say hey, I was feeling a bit down... His sister answered the phone, and shocked the hell outa me when she said he was in the hospital. I drove to town to maybe visit him, I was kinda freaking out, and didn't know what I was doing. I have this strange fear of hospitals... I hate them. Hate the smell, the way people act, the long hallways, the wallpaper, I just cannot stand them!! But, I went in there on auto-pilot and asked to see him, they told me to go to the 3rd floor, but when I got up there and saw he was in the ICU, I had to hold myself up against a wall to try and stop myself from freaking out. In the end, I never got to see him... But, he called me from the hospital last night and said he was alright... He said he'd call me again today to let me know how he's doing.

I think I'm getting to a point where I'm living a completely different life than I'm used to, and I'm somehow becoming desensitized to the stupid things I do. I'm just kinda numb to all the crap in my life now. I'm glad though. It may sound like a bad thing, but I hate the way I'm so god damned overly-emotional, so maybe being numb is just what I need. Hey, it's what Stephen always wanted from me. And this way I can have all the fun I want and not give a damn.


Bah... I'll update more when I can think better. Words are becoming difficult to form...

Get Stoned - Hinder

I went winter camping for a couple days this week with my class. For the most part I had fun, but at night I was colder than I have ever been in my entire life. Even standing around a big fire did nothing. When I crawled into my sleeping bag, I knew that I would not be having a nice night's sleep. In fact, I think I only slept maybe an hour or so. I was shivering so much, there was no way I'd be able to relax enough.
I didn't get many photos, because it was too damn cold to take off my mitts and work the camera, but on the ride home I got this video of Dylan. We basicly didn't drink anything for two days because all the water we brought froze, and melting snow took too long and simply eating snow takes more energy from your body to melt it, which isn't really good. So, by this point we were all thirsty as fuck trying to melt our water.



Stephen called me the other night. He said he misses me and wants to hang out with me. I'm afraid because I never know when he's being sincere anymore. But we hung out last night and watched the Nine Inch Nails dvd together, from the show we went to. He said he was sorry for being a jerk and basicly I found out that he still has feelings for me, he wants to hang out with me more, cuddle, kiss and all that jazz, but he doesn't want a relationship. He was all the benefits of one though. And I want to be there for him now, I want to show him how much I've changed and that maybe we can work this all out now... But I think that label of a 'relationship' is what he's afraid of. I don't know what he wants. He says being with me makes him happy... and it makes me happy too... if I just don't think about how I'm not worth committing to.

I want to show him I've changed... but a part of me wonders if it's worth fighting for.

Loser - Beck

This past week has been crazy. I can't even keep up with myself. Who is this girl I'm turning into? She's so fucked sometimes it scares me. Other times, she's fun and flirty and generally a nice person, I think... She just needs to get some shit straightened out. It's weird how when a person suddenly becomes single they sometimes feel they need to jump out of their old skin and go out all night, try new things, and do all these crazy things to... I dunno, 'proove' that you're still a fun, good person. What is that? Is it some sort of competition? Am I winning here? I'm slightly worried that if I keep this up, I'll become a different person entirely. If that's a good or bad thing, I dunno.

Laura was over at my place for a few days this week. One night we went out and it was sooo stormy out. We got a ride home, and ended up having to walk up my laneway (which is pretty freakin long) and we nearly got blown away! We came in the house coughing and wheezing and exhausted but laughing.


Stephen is home from Mexico. I talked to him earlier tonight. He sounded a little overwhelmed with all the crap going on in his life. I want to be there for him, but it's a little hard now... And it's so hard now to know what he's thinking. But, maybe I'll see him this week. We'll see.

In A World Called Catastrophe - Mathew Good

Life's been crazy lately. Something happened, and I can't really say what, because it's not my place to tell people... But Stephen's in trouble. It's not like him to do something... like that and I'm worried. He called me last night, he's really worried about how things are gonna turn out and a part of me feels really bad for him, but another part is glad he finally hit a wall and maybe he'll stop doing... bad things. Does that make me a bad person? He's leaving for Mexico tomorrow. So, I said goodbye to him tonight on the phone. He didn't realise it, but I really said goodbye this time. That's it for me. I'm finally beginning to leave him behind. I don't want to hurt myself anymore by talking to him. It's better this way. I hope.

I hung out with Kevin and Snider the other night. I listened to them play guitar for a few hours, had the best meal of my life thanks to Kathy Snider, and then we went to a little bar/restaruant downtown for an open mic night. They played some songs, a bunch of people we knew showed up and all in all it was a good night.



Things are going to get better. They have to. It can't get much worse, and that makes me smile a little sometimes.

I Don't Blame You - Cat Power

Chemicals suck. I learned that lesson the hard way a couple months ago. But, last night and this morning reminded me that a good old fashioned drinking binge can have pretty much the same after-effects, without the serious risks to your body. I went out with a couple guy friends last night, just havin a few beers and playing poker, video games and such... And I tried to keep up with them. In fact, I was beating them for a while... But then, I realised I was in over my head and the rest of the night I spent on the bathroom floor and with a bucket beside the bed. The past two times I've drank, I've puked. I think this is a sign for me to slow down. Stephen always used to tell me when I should slow down or stop drinking... He knew my limits, now I guess I'm learning them on my own. And it hurts. I'm still pretty hung over. And all I've had to eat in two days is some crackers. This whole... "getting better, getting back on my feet" thing, isn't really working out the way I planned...

But, it's been four days since I talked to Stephen. He hasn't called me yet and I know deep down he probably won't even though he said he would. Well, he won't until he gets lonely. Haha. Maybe after he gets back from his vacation with his family he'll want to hang out, but I am not going to let myself call him at least until he gets back. Just two and a half weeks until then. That will be the longest I've ever gone without talking to him pretty much since I met him.

But, my new outdoor education class is turning out to be pretty cool. And when I say cool, I mean fucking COLD!!! We're outside pretty much everyday in the snow. If this course doesn't kill me, it might be really good for me.


That's Dylan out on our second day. It was -22 outside and we were standing around all day watching the nordic ski races and helping organize it. I had no toes or fingers by the end of the day. And the day after that we were building Quinzhees at the school and we fit 10 people into one of them! It was pretty cool. I mean cold.