eighth-notes.net
kill the body the head will die

I saw him yesterday. He had just gotten his wisdom teeth removed so he wasn't feeling 100%. Just seeing him again made me realise how much I miss him. But he said it loud and clear that we are not getting back together. A part of me knows that's for the best, I just wish it could have been my choice so I could get some kind of closure or feeling of freedom or whatever he's feeling. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do now. It hurts so fucking much knowing that there's nobody out there thinking of you, or loving you or even wondering what you're up to. I was soo ready to get out of this town, but with him! Now I don't know where I'm gonna go, how I'm gonna live alone in that big city... I got all my strength from him. Now I'm just worthlessly me .

After I got home last night... I just broke down and cried. Seeing him again broke whatever confidence I had scrounged up while he was gone. I don't think my heart can take much more of this. I'm so god damned naive it pisses me off. I fall for him everytime. I know he's bad for me. I know he doesn't want me or love me or hell, I don't think he ever wants to see me again.... And yet I can't just stop loving him.

This couldn't have come at a worse time. But hey, I've been chemical-free sinse the 19th. But my school work is falling behind... and truth be told I have an urge just to run.

I need to learn to be more selfish. I hate how stupid that sounds but it's true. Stephen told me that. I try and do what's best and I just end up getting hurt. I just feel so guilty. Everything I do without him, I feel fucking guilty. It's not fair. And I'm doing it to myself. I wish I could be as uncaring as he is. I wish I didn't love him. I just want the hurting to stop so I can move on.

I feel like I've been lied to my whole life. And all of a sudden I'm being given a reality, and told all these different truths that people expect me to believe... I know he lies a lot, he always has. I never thought he would lie so much to me. I don't know if what everyone is telling me is true. I don't want it to be. He's a good person at heart. He just makes a lot of mistakes. I believe some things, like the stuff about him and drugs, and lying and hiding things from me... I suspected that for a while. But I don't believe some other things... He wouldn't choose drugs over me. I keep telling myself that over and over again, but I look at how much he's changed in the past few months, and I get scared. He has anger issues and he can't seem to tell the truth sometimes. It's like he convinces himself to believe his own lies. I don't know what to do now, or where we are.

If everything they're saying is true, then I'm blind and naive and in love with someone who doesn't care about me. But if it's not... then all he needs is time to figure out where I fit in his life. And I have time to figure out if I'm willing to take another chance and who I am without him.

I just wish I knew which is true...

Stephen broke up with me, again. He said he just wasn't happy in a relationship where we fight all the time. And yet, earlier that day he had been making me grilled cheese and taking care of me because I was sick... He had said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That he was so excited to move in with me and wake up next to me every day!

He doesn't tell me how he feels until it's too late. He expects things to fix themselves. Now I know, at least. I know what he wanted from me. I'm just sick and tired of hurting so he can get what he wants. I'm sick of lies and fights and I know if we get back together I could actually smarten up and give him space... But, a part of me knows he's not coming back and after almost four years... he doesn't want anything to do with me. He's already moved on. I wouldn't be surprised if he has another girl within a month or two. I feel like I've been thrown out. I have never loved anyone so much, or been willing to do anything and everything to make someone happy, and now that I've realised my faults in the relationship, it's just too late.

I don't know what I'm gonna do now. I'm terrified.

People and alarm clocks have a lot in common. For one, they can be annoying, and then again they have a way of making you wake up and pay attention to what's going on in the real world. Two people did that to me yesterday. One was a teacher at my school, and the other was a man who came into my work last night.

My manager came to me and asked if I could watch some guy for just a minute and I didn't know why this man needed someone to watch him, but I pretty quickly caught on that he was sick with something. I sat him down and he asked for some water, so I brought him a glass. He looked like he was in pain or really uncomfortable, so I tried talking to him to get his mind on something else. He told me his name was Bill and that he lived on the west side... I couldn't get a full sentence out of him, he never even looked at me. After a few minutes of silence, he thanked me for the water. My manager came back, looking a little stressed out and suggested that he take Bill outside for some fresh air. As I was helping him to his feet he put his hand on my arm and said, "God bless you Ally, you be good."

I guess he couldn't read my name tag right. After he left I felt a little... shocked. The day's events were strange, that was for sure, but I just didn't know how to react. And those words kept flip-flopping over and over in my mind all night. When Stephen picked me up from work, I didn't say anything about Bill. I kept on wondering, what makes a person good or bad? Where do you draw the line? If a good person does something bad, what does that mean? And what kind of words are 'good' and 'bad' anyways? Not everything is so simply one or the other. I feel like I'm trapped inside the grey area.

People really make you think sometimes. I don't want to be one of those people stuck in their own little dream-land. I mean sure, mornings can suck and getting out of bed when you're tired is a bitch... But, I do like breakfast.

So about a month ago I bought two goldfish. I have yet to find names for them so I need help! What should I call these first two?



And I added two more fishey friends to my tank tonight. Stephen and I went out to dinner at Joe Tomatoes and afterwards we stopped by the pet store to check out some of the fish. I ended up buying a fiddler crab and an algae eater (sucky guy). They get along pretty well with each other, which makes me happy. I couldn't get a decent shot of the sucky guy, but the second photo up there is of who I now call Lord Victor Nefarius. He's so threatening eh?

The cast list for Guys and Dolls was posted today and I got what I expected. A small role. I get to play a guy though, so that will be interesting... And I dance and sing, so yay I guess. Meh, it was disapointing when I was told I probably won't get a good role because I'm in grade 13, but I guess when you look at it like that, it is the grade 12's year and the deserve first chance. And besides, now I can try out for Little Women at the Roxy. I know that story inside and out!

EDIT
I have found names for my fish! The speckled one is Chubs, and the gold one is Ula.

So I pulled a muscle. Pretty regular right? I've pulled so many I should be fine; put a little A535 on 'er and get movin' again as usual. But, no... I pulled my ass! That's right. I pulled my ass muscle. My 'luteus maximus' if you will. And no, not from sex, or anything like that you dirty minds, from dancing of all things. It only hurts to sit, or walk up lots of stairs, so I've been reasonably fine. But today at work, I had to stay for an extra hour and work my ass off (literally) to keep the counter full, which makes my butt hurt even more now. Yay! It is not fun.

I'm taking Stephen out to diner tomorrow. Or rather, we're taking each other out. I'm paying for him, he's paying for me. Which, to be perfectly honest, it's a better deal for him simply because I don't eat as much as he does, and I'm a vegetarian so my meals are generally cheaper. But whatever, I got paid today and so did he.

I have a monologue to memorize by tomorrow, and I just can't seem to get focused tonight... I'm hoping it's a snow day... Then maybe I can just laze around on my sore ass.