eighth-notes.net
kill the body the head will die

Kathy's Song - Simon and Garfunkel

A week ago he told me he was getting clean and I trusted him. I was happy for him. Today I found a bong in his room, two packs of ciggarettes (I didn't even know he smoked), a pile of k on his dresser and another pile of white powder on his shelf, and of course beer bottles scattered throughout the room...

I think the bloody kleenex all over the place is what made me realise the whole situation and how stupid I am. I'll never believe him agian. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe just fucking time... Maybe it was all my fault, I don't know... But he's not who he used to be and I'm just shit to him now. And he fucking holds me close and kisses my cheek like everything's fucking fine and nothing ever changed (and no, that's not cocaine 3 feet from your head, baby)!!!!! He can play that fucking lie, seamlessly. He's sooo good at acting like the guy that will always love you, but all he wants to do is fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

It fucking hurts to realise that that's all I am to him now. And there ain't a god damned thing in the world I can do to make him be the way he used to be...

Beast of Burden - Rolling Stones

After work yesterday I decided I was gonna hang out with some old friends I hadn't seen in a while. So, Graham and I went to a movie. We saw Epic Movie, which was... funny, but not worth seeing twice. It made me feel a bit like a geek too... After that we drove around for a bit before deciding to go to this beer-bogging party at Harrisson Park. It was cold out, but thankfully I had my booties on and gloves in my bag, so we trudged up that huge hill. The sky was bright orange from the city lights, you could actually see pretty clearly considering it was 1am and cloudy. It looked strangely beautiful. We hung out there for a while, I had a couple drinks simply because people gave them to me. I met some people and had fun. But it was freaking cold out! Eventually a group of us decided to make our way down the hill (one way or another). Surprisingly enough, I didn't fall.

The rest of the night was mainly just driving around, all of us fitting into four cars, and Synnott was soo drunk, he was bouncing around from car to car like a monkey. At the end of the night Graham drove me home. On the way home all I could think about was Stephen and what he was up to. Even though it was 3am at this point and he might just be asleep...

I have so many random moments of missing him.

...and all it's random houses, loud noises, bathroom floors and realizations you have no one to share with but yourself. I love irony. Don't you? It just kicks you in the pants. Really hard too. And on the first friday night you've had off in months! Really, I love just to sit back and marvel at the wonder of it all sometimes... Gotta love that irony.

Laying on Stephen's bed tonight, with the tv in the background shinning and flashing on us... We fell asleep and I woke up, and saw his face as he was sleeping there... This, the guy who knows me better than I know myself, I thought I'd always wake up beside him... I kissed him on the cheek, and I didn't know anything to say at that moment... So I said, "I don't know if I love you anymore". I hadn't even thought of it before it came out... And it scared me. I put my head back on his shoulder, and tried not to think. His hand wrapped around me held me a little tighter for a moment, and he said, "You don't have to."


I played my guitar on my bed last night until 3am. I played a song I never thought I'd be able to sing without crying again... A case of you by Joni Mitchell. I've been smoking too much lately. I'm letting this get the better of me. Just the bad days are so bad. And the good ones make me feel guilty. I miss his 20 minute kisses. I hate that I'm able to hurt this much because of someone I knew would never hurt me. He told me he's gonna be clean. No more drugs. I wish I could say the same. I really do. And it's so stupid. Everything is... I don't know who I am, but I think I hate me.

I went to Tim's place last night with Laura, Mel and Kevin. We had a fun night. Laura brought her camera and took some photos. It was soo cold our hair was turning to ice and our hands stuck to the doorknob when we tried to go inside!



I'm really not who I used to be. I needed a night like that.

I'm so tired. Everything's so confusing lately. I feel just about ready to fall over. I'm sick of it. I hung out with Kevin yesterday. He's a really good guy. I feel bad that such a good person is in the same kind of situation as me. He's better than that. I hope he gets what he wants and can get out of this town feeling somehow free. It's nice to hang out with him. He's one of the few people that actually get what I'm feeling and he's not someone who's gonna tell me what I want to hear. And it's nice to laugh.

I saw Stephen today... I would say more about it, but what can I say that hasn't already been said? We're hanging out tomorrow after school. I'm going to attempt to stand my ground, but I've never been very good at that. Whatever, I have saturday to look forward to. Kevin, Mel, Laura and I are all hanging out at Tim's palce and spending the night drinking in his hot tub. Should be a good time.

I'm slowly realising I can't just wait around anymore. My prince charming has decided to change his life, and become someone else, I can't wait for him to see what he's doing. I'm going away. Hopefully somewhere close to friends, but I need to get out of here. And hopefully, maybe, by then I'll be somehow free too.

Tonight's Over-The-Top Moment is brought to you by... Bob Marley!

my golden boy speaks to me in secrets
he hints one way and puts his toe over the the other line
his guilt is what lays in his sole and
his shoes have sold out too
he freezes his secrets, so they can't scream out
into my ear
but their muffled cries were everywhere
in the cabnit
under the bed
on the dresser
all over his nose
they told me everything
and he threw me away, because of it
now i have no secrets from him
and maybe that's why he loaths my mind
because the body holding it captive is so fucking hot
it can't help but tell the truth
he loves bits and peices of me, I know it
the whole part is too expencive to buy into
but the nuts and the boltz are fun to play with, or so he whispers
my golden boy!
the bad one who played with fire
my fire.
the one that burned us both
ooh, those secrets will ruin everything!
too bad i can't forget

Today sucked. I wanted to see Stephen today but he skipped school to go hang out with Matt, then "forgot" to call me like he said he would, so when I called Matt's cell phone tonight to try and find him, he started yelling at me for wanting to talk to him and make plans for tomorrow. I don't know if he was drunk or high or sober, and to be perfectly honest, I've given up on caring. If he doesn't care what I do without him, I shouldn't have to care what he does, right? Unfortunatly, I still worry about what he's getting himself into. He seems to have two moods lately: the asshole and the sweetheart. In a way, they both frusturate me... It's easy to hate the asshole, but impossible to hate the sweetheart you fell in love with and who promises that everything will be fine, in time.

Being back at school doesn't really help things either. People keep asking me how I'm doing, and then talking about me behind my back. It's nice to know my friends have big mouths and are all too ready to pass on information that makes this train wreck look worse. People seem to think I'm some heartbroken drug addict, good for a laugh. I hate when people look at you a different way. But I'm becoming very good at laughing everything off and pretending.

I just don't get it. I really don't. I mean, where exactly did my life start falling appart? If anyone can see it, please, let me know. It might have been last may, at the fiddler on the roof cast party... or during the summer when I got back from stratford... or when stephen dumped me in october... or when I first asked that dumbass question, "What's being on E like?" and then trusted my boyfriend and his drug dealing friend to keep me safe. Maybe I am stupid. It's kinda hard to tell. I mean, crazy people don't know they're crazy... Maybe stupid people don't know they're stupid...?

I think I'm stressed or something. About two weeks ago I weighed 110-115lbs. Now I weigh 103 and because of that I can't even give blood today. I've been biting my nails to the point where they hurt, and so I'm starting to think I'm a little stressed. I don't feel healthy. And hey, I know that's my fault with all the partying I've been doing to keep myself happy and busy. I'm doing my best not to get into any, you know, bad things... Which is surprisingly hard without Stephen around to tell me what my limits are or when to stop etc. But I figure as soon as school starts up again, I won't be going out every night and I'll start to feel better.

But, speaking of fun nights, the other night I went out with Laura, Mel, Rob and Nick and we played pool downtown. Rob and Nick got soo drunk that we ended up kicking their asses and we suck at pool normally. Around 12 we had to leave cuz they were closing, so we went out to Kelso beach and sat on the summerfolk stage and got drunk. Nick and I recited Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy, which was pretty funny considering our state. Eventually we got really cold and drove to Rob's where I was a drunken fool and let one of his turtles bite me... And I was surprised that it hurt, duh. Then we left Mel and Rob to do their own thing and Laura and I took Nick home. And the funny part was, on the way to Laura's house, we took a number of back roads, and got lost! We ended up out by Dornoch. And then we saw a sign falling over and I jumped out of the car and pulled it out of the ground (which was fucking heavy by the way), we managed to fit it into the car, but had the end of the poll sticking out of the trunk... Anyways, we ended up stealing 3 signs that night. We got to Laura's around 5am, then watched half a movie and crashed... And woke up at 9am, not feeling great, haha.

I'm hoping I'll have fun until school starts back up again, then I'll start worrying about myself. Right now, I don't care. I mean, I do, but I don't wanna deal with it right now. I'm more worried about Stephen.

Some photos from new years @ Sam's... Click for a larger view in a new window.

Happy New Year, I guess! It's 3pm and I just got home... that shows you how good the party was last night. Haha. I hung out at Sam's with Kev, Snider, Don, Rob and others... All in all it was fun. I am praying that this year starts off better than last year ended.

I talked to Stephen yesterday... He said he loves me but doesn't want a girlfriend right now. I honestly don't know what that means. He may never want me back. Everything is fucking confusing and I hate waiting for him to make up his mind, and I think I'm still a little drunk... How can you love someone but not want to be with them? And he keeps fucking blowing me off, which just puts salt in the wound, you know? He needs to grow up and stop using me as a punching bag. I should just wait for him to call me. He never will... but maybe it'll make me feel better.

Whatever, I'm gonna go shower. That sounds like a plan.