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kill the body the head will die

In A World Called Catastrophe - Mathew Good

Life's been crazy lately. Something happened, and I can't really say what, because it's not my place to tell people... But Stephen's in trouble. It's not like him to do something... like that and I'm worried. He called me last night, he's really worried about how things are gonna turn out and a part of me feels really bad for him, but another part is glad he finally hit a wall and maybe he'll stop doing... bad things. Does that make me a bad person? He's leaving for Mexico tomorrow. So, I said goodbye to him tonight on the phone. He didn't realise it, but I really said goodbye this time. That's it for me. I'm finally beginning to leave him behind. I don't want to hurt myself anymore by talking to him. It's better this way. I hope.

I hung out with Kevin and Snider the other night. I listened to them play guitar for a few hours, had the best meal of my life thanks to Kathy Snider, and then we went to a little bar/restaruant downtown for an open mic night. They played some songs, a bunch of people we knew showed up and all in all it was a good night.



Things are going to get better. They have to. It can't get much worse, and that makes me smile a little sometimes.

I Don't Blame You - Cat Power

Chemicals suck. I learned that lesson the hard way a couple months ago. But, last night and this morning reminded me that a good old fashioned drinking binge can have pretty much the same after-effects, without the serious risks to your body. I went out with a couple guy friends last night, just havin a few beers and playing poker, video games and such... And I tried to keep up with them. In fact, I was beating them for a while... But then, I realised I was in over my head and the rest of the night I spent on the bathroom floor and with a bucket beside the bed. The past two times I've drank, I've puked. I think this is a sign for me to slow down. Stephen always used to tell me when I should slow down or stop drinking... He knew my limits, now I guess I'm learning them on my own. And it hurts. I'm still pretty hung over. And all I've had to eat in two days is some crackers. This whole... "getting better, getting back on my feet" thing, isn't really working out the way I planned...

But, it's been four days since I talked to Stephen. He hasn't called me yet and I know deep down he probably won't even though he said he would. Well, he won't until he gets lonely. Haha. Maybe after he gets back from his vacation with his family he'll want to hang out, but I am not going to let myself call him at least until he gets back. Just two and a half weeks until then. That will be the longest I've ever gone without talking to him pretty much since I met him.

But, my new outdoor education class is turning out to be pretty cool. And when I say cool, I mean fucking COLD!!! We're outside pretty much everyday in the snow. If this course doesn't kill me, it might be really good for me.


That's Dylan out on our second day. It was -22 outside and we were standing around all day watching the nordic ski races and helping organize it. I had no toes or fingers by the end of the day. And the day after that we were building Quinzhees at the school and we fit 10 people into one of them! It was pretty cool. I mean cold.

Live Forever - Oasis

So this past week I haven't had to go to school once. The weather has been so terrible that it's been a snowday everyday. I was getting so bored, I called up a couple friends and told them to come entertain me. Laura and Mel ended up having to spend the night twice here because of the weather, and we dug out Laura's car yesterday, which we thought would only take about an hour max... But ended up being about a 5 hour ordeal!! Once we got her car unstuck, we drove to the nearest Tim Hortons and attempted to warm ourselves up. It didn't work so well.

I called Stephen the other day, and found out he got fired from his work for stealing. I'm kinda worried about him now. He was lucky they didn't press charges, he just owes them money. But he is grounded and I don't think his parents are too happy with him. But, maybe this is a wake up call he needed... I don't know. He said he hasn't seen me in a while and he misses me. He told me he'd call me, but I honestly don't know if he will.

But, as Paul McCartney would say, things are getting better. Slowly but surely. I'm still not healthy, I still have some really shitty days, but I know he still has feelings for me, so it doesn't hurt so much sometimes.

I got accepted to George Brown and Fanshawe. I received the letters a few days ago. I still haven't told my parents simply because they'll make a big deal about it and ask so many questions I'm just not ready to answer. I mean, I want to leave this town, but I don't know if I'm ready to think about that yet. I was ready to leave when I knew Stephen would be by my side, but going off alone is something totally different. At least I still have a few months to work shit out.

I have some cute photos I'll update with later.

Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

It's amazing how a person can amuse themself in their room for hours. I don't even spend most of my time on the computer. I woke up today and decided to finish the last chapter of a book I hadn't read in a few weeks, I'd been sorta putting it off. Unfortunatly, It ended horribly. But, at least it's done. I have so much... stuff in my room, I even cleaned a little (*shocker I know*). I played some mariokart, organized my cds, played guitar... had an all around good morning. The parents were out someplace, so I was just chillin out.

I'm actually excited for the Environmental Studies course I'm taking at school, starting tomorrow. I mean, I don't know if I'm really up for doing it, but I figure if I last more than a month it'll probably be really good for me. I need to do something good for myself, I really haven't been doing anything positive for myself in a while. I'm pumped about going on camping trips and sleeping in trees! I can't wait for that. I just hope I don't fall out...

I just wish the summer was here already. This whole grey and cold thing is getting old and depressing. I want grass stains on my jeans, not snow! And I'd take a sunburn over frost-bite anyday. This is going to be my first single summer in a long time. That's a good and bad thing... But, Summerfolk will be great, I know it! And I'll be turning 19, which will make one more thing I do legal. Haha. And I'll actually have time to spend with my friends. And then it's off to college... somewhere.

I rented a movie a few weeks ago with Stephen, called A Scanner Darkly, and we never finished it and I left it at his place so I never got to see the ending. But, I went looking on youtube for this one scene that I thought was awesome, and I found it! Check it out.


I think it would be a great little skit to do in drama class (too bad that's over). It's funny and random, and I like it! Alright, there's my stupid moment of the day.

Revolution - The Beatles

I bought 'The Beatles: Love' the other day. It makes me smile in so many ways. Music really can change your mood when you're feeling down, or if you listen to the wrong song it can make you feel worse... But that's a risk I'm willing to take.

I'm trying really hard to be optimistic about the whole Stephen situation. At least now I know that he does drugs, and there's no more questioning it or wondering. Yesterday he was supposed to pick me up at 1, but I waited and waited, and he never showed up so I had to go find him at Matt's after he was 2 hours late. I yelled at him a bit, but not like it mattered. He said he was sorry at least, I guess. At the end of the night, I told him if he wanted to see me again, he should call me. I'm sick of chasing him only to get hurt again and again. School starts up again on Monday and I'm gonna be pretty busy. I hope that will help me keep my mind off him.

His mom still thinks we're dating even though we broke up. In a way we still have a pretty fucked up relationship. I'm still in love with him, he doesn't know how he feels about me but likes to cuddle and have fun with me, but doesn't want a 'relationship'... He says it just feels right to hold me and be with me. And everytime he says that I can't help but think, "if it feels so right why are you pushing me away?" I'll keep my distance from him for a while, and see what happens I guess...