eighth-notes.net
kill the body the head will die

Lua - Bright Eyes

A few years ago my dad had some breathing problems... His vocal chords would snap shut and he would be unable to inhale. Kinda like he was being strangled. He would cough and choke and stumble around for a few minutes until he could breathe again. It used to scare the hell outa my family. My mom told me if it ever happened while she wasn't home I'd have to drive him to the hospital as fast as I could. He ended up at the hospital once, and we learned that the worst that could happen was him passing out, and his vocal chords would then relax and he'd be able to breathe again. So now when his vocal chords close up, we try and help him relax while we calm ourselves down and wait for it to be over.

I had to drive him to the hospital tonight. I'm not a good driver, I don't even have my G1, and the whole way there, all I could think about was if we crashed or got stuck in a snowbank somewhere, he could die, and it would be all my fault. He's better now. But they don't know what's wrong with him.

Today wasn't great. I was not expecting today to be so fucking harsh.

Free - Cat Power

So I've come to the conclusion that I won't be able to pull this off for long, but I'm gonna stretch it out as long as it'll go for. I had a fun night last night, went bowling hung out with some people I don't get to see that much, which was great. I miss nights like that where you just have fun and don't worry about other shit. My only bad moment of the night was when I heard people talking about me behind my back, which I didn't really expect but whatever. Drama happens.

I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in almost a week. But, I think I like it that way. Someday soon, I'm going to go out all night and never stop just having fun with some good people, and then go someplace and just watch the sunrise. I miss the sunrise.

Neon - John Mayer

I don't even know where to begin. I'm having one of those weeks where time just kinda slides by without you even noticing or caring at all really. Stephen's in the hospital. Yeah, I know. I called him up the other day, just to say hey, I was feeling a bit down... His sister answered the phone, and shocked the hell outa me when she said he was in the hospital. I drove to town to maybe visit him, I was kinda freaking out, and didn't know what I was doing. I have this strange fear of hospitals... I hate them. Hate the smell, the way people act, the long hallways, the wallpaper, I just cannot stand them!! But, I went in there on auto-pilot and asked to see him, they told me to go to the 3rd floor, but when I got up there and saw he was in the ICU, I had to hold myself up against a wall to try and stop myself from freaking out. In the end, I never got to see him... But, he called me from the hospital last night and said he was alright... He said he'd call me again today to let me know how he's doing.

I think I'm getting to a point where I'm living a completely different life than I'm used to, and I'm somehow becoming desensitized to the stupid things I do. I'm just kinda numb to all the crap in my life now. I'm glad though. It may sound like a bad thing, but I hate the way I'm so god damned overly-emotional, so maybe being numb is just what I need. Hey, it's what Stephen always wanted from me. And this way I can have all the fun I want and not give a damn.


Bah... I'll update more when I can think better. Words are becoming difficult to form...

Get Stoned - Hinder

I went winter camping for a couple days this week with my class. For the most part I had fun, but at night I was colder than I have ever been in my entire life. Even standing around a big fire did nothing. When I crawled into my sleeping bag, I knew that I would not be having a nice night's sleep. In fact, I think I only slept maybe an hour or so. I was shivering so much, there was no way I'd be able to relax enough.
I didn't get many photos, because it was too damn cold to take off my mitts and work the camera, but on the ride home I got this video of Dylan. We basicly didn't drink anything for two days because all the water we brought froze, and melting snow took too long and simply eating snow takes more energy from your body to melt it, which isn't really good. So, by this point we were all thirsty as fuck trying to melt our water.



Stephen called me the other night. He said he misses me and wants to hang out with me. I'm afraid because I never know when he's being sincere anymore. But we hung out last night and watched the Nine Inch Nails dvd together, from the show we went to. He said he was sorry for being a jerk and basicly I found out that he still has feelings for me, he wants to hang out with me more, cuddle, kiss and all that jazz, but he doesn't want a relationship. He was all the benefits of one though. And I want to be there for him now, I want to show him how much I've changed and that maybe we can work this all out now... But I think that label of a 'relationship' is what he's afraid of. I don't know what he wants. He says being with me makes him happy... and it makes me happy too... if I just don't think about how I'm not worth committing to.

I want to show him I've changed... but a part of me wonders if it's worth fighting for.

Loser - Beck

This past week has been crazy. I can't even keep up with myself. Who is this girl I'm turning into? She's so fucked sometimes it scares me. Other times, she's fun and flirty and generally a nice person, I think... She just needs to get some shit straightened out. It's weird how when a person suddenly becomes single they sometimes feel they need to jump out of their old skin and go out all night, try new things, and do all these crazy things to... I dunno, 'proove' that you're still a fun, good person. What is that? Is it some sort of competition? Am I winning here? I'm slightly worried that if I keep this up, I'll become a different person entirely. If that's a good or bad thing, I dunno.

Laura was over at my place for a few days this week. One night we went out and it was sooo stormy out. We got a ride home, and ended up having to walk up my laneway (which is pretty freakin long) and we nearly got blown away! We came in the house coughing and wheezing and exhausted but laughing.


Stephen is home from Mexico. I talked to him earlier tonight. He sounded a little overwhelmed with all the crap going on in his life. I want to be there for him, but it's a little hard now... And it's so hard now to know what he's thinking. But, maybe I'll see him this week. We'll see.