eighth-notes.net
kill the body the head will die

I've officially moved.


HTTP://PROJECT-41.NET

BYE.

Neon - John Mayer

I don't even know where to begin. I'm having one of those weeks where time just kinda slides by without you even noticing or caring at all really. Stephen's in the hospital. Yeah, I know. I called him up the other day, just to say hey, I was feeling a bit down... His sister answered the phone, and shocked the hell outa me when she said he was in the hospital. I drove to town to maybe visit him, I was kinda freaking out, and didn't know what I was doing. I have this strange fear of hospitals... I hate them. Hate the smell, the way people act, the long hallways, the wallpaper, I just cannot stand them!! But, I went in there on auto-pilot and asked to see him, they told me to go to the 3rd floor, but when I got up there and saw he was in the ICU, I had to hold myself up against a wall to try and stop myself from freaking out. In the end, I never got to see him... But, he called me from the hospital last night and said he was alright... He said he'd call me again today to let me know how he's doing.

I think I'm getting to a point where I'm living a completely different life than I'm used to, and I'm somehow becoming desensitized to the stupid things I do. I'm just kinda numb to all the crap in my life now. I'm glad though. It may sound like a bad thing, but I hate the way I'm so god damned overly-emotional, so maybe being numb is just what I need. Hey, it's what Stephen always wanted from me. And this way I can have all the fun I want and not give a damn.


Bah... I'll update more when I can think better. Words are becoming difficult to form...

Live Forever - Oasis

So this past week I haven't had to go to school once. The weather has been so terrible that it's been a snowday everyday. I was getting so bored, I called up a couple friends and told them to come entertain me. Laura and Mel ended up having to spend the night twice here because of the weather, and we dug out Laura's car yesterday, which we thought would only take about an hour max... But ended up being about a 5 hour ordeal!! Once we got her car unstuck, we drove to the nearest Tim Hortons and attempted to warm ourselves up. It didn't work so well.

I called Stephen the other day, and found out he got fired from his work for stealing. I'm kinda worried about him now. He was lucky they didn't press charges, he just owes them money. But he is grounded and I don't think his parents are too happy with him. But, maybe this is a wake up call he needed... I don't know. He said he hasn't seen me in a while and he misses me. He told me he'd call me, but I honestly don't know if he will.

But, as Paul McCartney would say, things are getting better. Slowly but surely. I'm still not healthy, I still have some really shitty days, but I know he still has feelings for me, so it doesn't hurt so much sometimes.

I got accepted to George Brown and Fanshawe. I received the letters a few days ago. I still haven't told my parents simply because they'll make a big deal about it and ask so many questions I'm just not ready to answer. I mean, I want to leave this town, but I don't know if I'm ready to think about that yet. I was ready to leave when I knew Stephen would be by my side, but going off alone is something totally different. At least I still have a few months to work shit out.

I have some cute photos I'll update with later.

I'm so tired. Everything's so confusing lately. I feel just about ready to fall over. I'm sick of it. I hung out with Kevin yesterday. He's a really good guy. I feel bad that such a good person is in the same kind of situation as me. He's better than that. I hope he gets what he wants and can get out of this town feeling somehow free. It's nice to hang out with him. He's one of the few people that actually get what I'm feeling and he's not someone who's gonna tell me what I want to hear. And it's nice to laugh.

I saw Stephen today... I would say more about it, but what can I say that hasn't already been said? We're hanging out tomorrow after school. I'm going to attempt to stand my ground, but I've never been very good at that. Whatever, I have saturday to look forward to. Kevin, Mel, Laura and I are all hanging out at Tim's palce and spending the night drinking in his hot tub. Should be a good time.

I'm slowly realising I can't just wait around anymore. My prince charming has decided to change his life, and become someone else, I can't wait for him to see what he's doing. I'm going away. Hopefully somewhere close to friends, but I need to get out of here. And hopefully, maybe, by then I'll be somehow free too.

I think I'm stressed or something. About two weeks ago I weighed 110-115lbs. Now I weigh 103 and because of that I can't even give blood today. I've been biting my nails to the point where they hurt, and so I'm starting to think I'm a little stressed. I don't feel healthy. And hey, I know that's my fault with all the partying I've been doing to keep myself happy and busy. I'm doing my best not to get into any, you know, bad things... Which is surprisingly hard without Stephen around to tell me what my limits are or when to stop etc. But I figure as soon as school starts up again, I won't be going out every night and I'll start to feel better.

But, speaking of fun nights, the other night I went out with Laura, Mel, Rob and Nick and we played pool downtown. Rob and Nick got soo drunk that we ended up kicking their asses and we suck at pool normally. Around 12 we had to leave cuz they were closing, so we went out to Kelso beach and sat on the summerfolk stage and got drunk. Nick and I recited Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy, which was pretty funny considering our state. Eventually we got really cold and drove to Rob's where I was a drunken fool and let one of his turtles bite me... And I was surprised that it hurt, duh. Then we left Mel and Rob to do their own thing and Laura and I took Nick home. And the funny part was, on the way to Laura's house, we took a number of back roads, and got lost! We ended up out by Dornoch. And then we saw a sign falling over and I jumped out of the car and pulled it out of the ground (which was fucking heavy by the way), we managed to fit it into the car, but had the end of the poll sticking out of the trunk... Anyways, we ended up stealing 3 signs that night. We got to Laura's around 5am, then watched half a movie and crashed... And woke up at 9am, not feeling great, haha.

I'm hoping I'll have fun until school starts back up again, then I'll start worrying about myself. Right now, I don't care. I mean, I do, but I don't wanna deal with it right now. I'm more worried about Stephen.

Happy New Year, I guess! It's 3pm and I just got home... that shows you how good the party was last night. Haha. I hung out at Sam's with Kev, Snider, Don, Rob and others... All in all it was fun. I am praying that this year starts off better than last year ended.

I talked to Stephen yesterday... He said he loves me but doesn't want a girlfriend right now. I honestly don't know what that means. He may never want me back. Everything is fucking confusing and I hate waiting for him to make up his mind, and I think I'm still a little drunk... How can you love someone but not want to be with them? And he keeps fucking blowing me off, which just puts salt in the wound, you know? He needs to grow up and stop using me as a punching bag. I should just wait for him to call me. He never will... but maybe it'll make me feel better.

Whatever, I'm gonna go shower. That sounds like a plan.

People and alarm clocks have a lot in common. For one, they can be annoying, and then again they have a way of making you wake up and pay attention to what's going on in the real world. Two people did that to me yesterday. One was a teacher at my school, and the other was a man who came into my work last night.

My manager came to me and asked if I could watch some guy for just a minute and I didn't know why this man needed someone to watch him, but I pretty quickly caught on that he was sick with something. I sat him down and he asked for some water, so I brought him a glass. He looked like he was in pain or really uncomfortable, so I tried talking to him to get his mind on something else. He told me his name was Bill and that he lived on the west side... I couldn't get a full sentence out of him, he never even looked at me. After a few minutes of silence, he thanked me for the water. My manager came back, looking a little stressed out and suggested that he take Bill outside for some fresh air. As I was helping him to his feet he put his hand on my arm and said, "God bless you Ally, you be good."

I guess he couldn't read my name tag right. After he left I felt a little... shocked. The day's events were strange, that was for sure, but I just didn't know how to react. And those words kept flip-flopping over and over in my mind all night. When Stephen picked me up from work, I didn't say anything about Bill. I kept on wondering, what makes a person good or bad? Where do you draw the line? If a good person does something bad, what does that mean? And what kind of words are 'good' and 'bad' anyways? Not everything is so simply one or the other. I feel like I'm trapped inside the grey area.

People really make you think sometimes. I don't want to be one of those people stuck in their own little dream-land. I mean sure, mornings can suck and getting out of bed when you're tired is a bitch... But, I do like breakfast.

So about a month ago I bought two goldfish. I have yet to find names for them so I need help! What should I call these first two?



And I added two more fishey friends to my tank tonight. Stephen and I went out to dinner at Joe Tomatoes and afterwards we stopped by the pet store to check out some of the fish. I ended up buying a fiddler crab and an algae eater (sucky guy). They get along pretty well with each other, which makes me happy. I couldn't get a decent shot of the sucky guy, but the second photo up there is of who I now call Lord Victor Nefarius. He's so threatening eh?

The cast list for Guys and Dolls was posted today and I got what I expected. A small role. I get to play a guy though, so that will be interesting... And I dance and sing, so yay I guess. Meh, it was disapointing when I was told I probably won't get a good role because I'm in grade 13, but I guess when you look at it like that, it is the grade 12's year and the deserve first chance. And besides, now I can try out for Little Women at the Roxy. I know that story inside and out!

EDIT
I have found names for my fish! The speckled one is Chubs, and the gold one is Ula.

So I pulled a muscle. Pretty regular right? I've pulled so many I should be fine; put a little A535 on 'er and get movin' again as usual. But, no... I pulled my ass! That's right. I pulled my ass muscle. My 'luteus maximus' if you will. And no, not from sex, or anything like that you dirty minds, from dancing of all things. It only hurts to sit, or walk up lots of stairs, so I've been reasonably fine. But today at work, I had to stay for an extra hour and work my ass off (literally) to keep the counter full, which makes my butt hurt even more now. Yay! It is not fun.

I'm taking Stephen out to diner tomorrow. Or rather, we're taking each other out. I'm paying for him, he's paying for me. Which, to be perfectly honest, it's a better deal for him simply because I don't eat as much as he does, and I'm a vegetarian so my meals are generally cheaper. But whatever, I got paid today and so did he.

I have a monologue to memorize by tomorrow, and I just can't seem to get focused tonight... I'm hoping it's a snow day... Then maybe I can just laze around on my sore ass.