Get Stoned - Hinder
I went winter camping for a couple days this week with my class. For the most part I had fun, but at night I was colder than I have ever been in my entire life. Even standing around a big fire did nothing. When I crawled into my sleeping bag, I knew that I would not be having a nice night's sleep. In fact, I think I only slept maybe an hour or so. I was shivering so much, there was no way I'd be able to relax enough.
I didn't get many photos, because it was too damn cold to take off my mitts and work the camera, but on the ride home I got this video of Dylan.
We basicly didn't drink anything for two days because all the water we brought froze, and melting snow took too long and simply eating snow takes more energy from your body to melt it, which isn't really good. So, by this point we were all thirsty as fuck trying to melt our water.
Stephen called me the other night. He said he misses me and wants to hang out with me. I'm afraid because I never know when he's being sincere anymore. But we hung out last night and watched the Nine Inch Nails dvd together, from the show we went to. He said he was sorry for being a jerk and basicly I found out that he still has feelings for me, he wants to hang out with me more, cuddle, kiss and all that jazz, but he doesn't want a relationship. He was all the benefits of one though. And I want to be there for him now, I want to show him how much I've changed and that maybe we can work this all out now... But I think that label of a 'relationship' is what he's afraid of. I don't know what he wants. He says being with me makes him happy... and it makes me happy too... if I just don't think about how I'm not worth committing to.
I want to show him I've changed... but a part of me wonders if it's worth fighting for.
Today sucked. I wanted to see Stephen today but he skipped school to go hang out with Matt, then "forgot" to call me like he said he would, so when I called Matt's cell phone tonight to try and find him, he started yelling at me for wanting to talk to him and make plans for tomorrow. I don't know if he was drunk or high or sober, and to be perfectly honest, I've given up on caring. If he doesn't care what I do without him, I shouldn't have to care what he does, right? Unfortunatly, I still worry about what he's getting himself into. He seems to have two moods lately: the asshole and the sweetheart. In a way, they both frusturate me... It's easy to hate the asshole, but impossible to hate the sweetheart you fell in love with and who promises that everything will be fine, in time.
Being back at school doesn't really help things either. People keep asking me how I'm doing, and then talking about me behind my back. It's nice to know my friends have big mouths and are all too ready to pass on information that makes this train wreck look worse. People seem to think I'm some heartbroken drug addict, good for a laugh. I hate when people look at you a different way. But I'm becoming very good at laughing everything off and pretending.
I just don't get it. I really don't. I mean, where exactly did my life start falling appart? If anyone can see it, please, let me know. It might have been last may, at the fiddler on the roof cast party... or during the summer when I got back from stratford... or when stephen dumped me in october... or when I first asked that dumbass question,
"What's being on E like?" and then trusted my boyfriend and his drug dealing friend to keep me safe. Maybe I am stupid. It's kinda hard to tell. I mean, crazy people don't know they're crazy... Maybe stupid people don't know they're stupid...?
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