eighth-notes.net
kill the body the head will die

Keep on Rocking Me Baby - Steve Miller Band

The party was a success. Everyone said they had a good night and I had a great time! I'll write more later, right now I'm going to go enjoy this good mood I'm in.

Landlocked Blues - Bright Eyes

I'm very tired. Last night was a blurr of parties... I went to bed at about 4:30 this morning. When Dylan and Jason dropped me off, I could hear birds singing. I fell into bed without even caring if I changed my clothes or not, and woke up two hours later, got into the car with my dad and drove to Toronto to take a tour and check out Sheridan. Besides the crazy lack of sleep, I had a good time and all in all, I'm pretty happy with the place.

I have shower curtain rings stuck on my arm. I would explain that better... But that's all you really need to know. They hurt to put on, and they'll be a bitch to get off...

I've Seen Better Days - Sublime

I went to Jon's party last night. It was a pretty good time to be had by all I think. I think I impressed Jon by being able to do two shots of Tequilla in the time he did one. (It surprised even me.) Earlier in the day, my class had gone for an all day biking trip, and my ass hurt from my bike seat, and my knee got smashed on a rock, and was acting funny on me. But that didn't stop me from havin a good night. Stephen showed up around 11pm, which was fine at first, but... apparently not fine with some people later on. But that's my fault, I guess. He tried to talk to me about how it was soo unlike me to let someone else affect what I do, but I don't see it that way at all. The situation is complicated and more likely than not, it's just going to get even more complicated as time goes on.

But, Jon made me a sign! I almost got set on fire at one point during the night, so he photoshoped this, and put it on his fridge. It made me smile.




And a couple photos I got from our biking trip.




And, in other news... I am officially going to Sheridan college. I haven't told everyone yet, but by the end of the week I hopefully will. A lot of people wanted me to go to Fanshawe, but in all honesty, I'm not ready for a 3 year course. I'm not in a place where I'm so sure of what I want to do that I'm willing to make that kind of commitment and risk. It's not worth it for me. So, as much as I would love to be able to go to London with my friends and I know if I did, I'd have a blast... But, Sheridan is more along the lines of what I can handle right now and hopefully people don't get mad at me for making that choice.

Take Me Home Again - DZK

I'm trying to get some stuff sorted out. The past couple of weeks have been an adventure, that's for sure. I haven't talked to Stephen in a while, and as strange as it sounds... I feel better with him not being in my life as much. I almost feel guilty for saying it, but he isn't the same person he used to be and I can't keep expecting him to be. He just doesn't care about me anymore, and though that hurts, I've realised, it's really for the best. Everytime I see him, he makes me feel guilty for something I've done, or makes me feel like I'm just not worth anyone's time. I don't like being around someone who treats me like that... And there are so many other people in my life now that actually care about me. I'm slowly realising that not every guy out there is gonna treat me the way Stephen did, and it's not normal to go through all that. I'm definatly not ready for a relationship or anything, but I am branching out a little more.

Our ESP (Environmental Studies Program) class did a waste audit this week. We went through our school's garbage (yeah, all of it) and sorted out what was recyclable and what wasn't. The whole thing was a pretty interesting experience, we got all dressed up in white suits to keep the crap off us, and Dylan even brough a gas mask, which ended up being a good idea because the smell got pretty bad!



And some guy from The Sun Times came and did an article on what we were doing. Unfortunatly, it was portrayed in a more negative way than we had hoped, but that's the media for you. It was really pretty strange to see us, 20 kids in white suits and rubber gloves, sorting through huge piles of garbage while singing Bohemian Rhapsody as loud as we could (we didn't have any music, so we sang for most of the day). I think a number of other people at school thought we were pretty nuts.

But that class has turned out to be great in a lot of ways, minus some of the work. We went on a hike up to Ingles Falls and back which was a pretty fun day. I loved getting my boots covered in mud and just walking around in the woods the way I used to all the time.



This weekend is gonna be good I think. Jason's parents aren't home, so we'll have a place to crash at the end of our nights rather than getting Dylan or someone to drive us all home. I went to a little party last night with Jason, and he ended up getting pretty sleepy and it was cute. I think I'll be partying with him tonight too. He's one of those people that makes you feel worth something. And I need that right now.

Bold as Love - John Mayer

I remember the window breaking because I could feel little pointy raindrops on my back. I'm pretty sure Stephanie was with me, taking care of me, but at that point I couldn't really see anything other than what was going on in my head. Eventually Jason, Nathan and Laura showed up... I'm not really sure how that happened... And Nathan was getting me to drink water and they were putting up with me as only good friends can do. I kinda 'woke up' or 'snapped out of it', and found myself sitting in a chair, curled up with Jason and Nathan, wearing Nathan's shoes and figuring out what my body was doing. My ribs felt like they were slowly breaking and my head was lost somewhere between reality and... something else. I feel bad when people take care of me. But, there's one more hint that I should slow down a little, maybe I'll listen this time. The good times are killing me.

Free - Cat Power

So I've come to the conclusion that I won't be able to pull this off for long, but I'm gonna stretch it out as long as it'll go for. I had a fun night last night, went bowling hung out with some people I don't get to see that much, which was great. I miss nights like that where you just have fun and don't worry about other shit. My only bad moment of the night was when I heard people talking about me behind my back, which I didn't really expect but whatever. Drama happens.

I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in almost a week. But, I think I like it that way. Someday soon, I'm going to go out all night and never stop just having fun with some good people, and then go someplace and just watch the sunrise. I miss the sunrise.

Loser - Beck

This past week has been crazy. I can't even keep up with myself. Who is this girl I'm turning into? She's so fucked sometimes it scares me. Other times, she's fun and flirty and generally a nice person, I think... She just needs to get some shit straightened out. It's weird how when a person suddenly becomes single they sometimes feel they need to jump out of their old skin and go out all night, try new things, and do all these crazy things to... I dunno, 'proove' that you're still a fun, good person. What is that? Is it some sort of competition? Am I winning here? I'm slightly worried that if I keep this up, I'll become a different person entirely. If that's a good or bad thing, I dunno.

Laura was over at my place for a few days this week. One night we went out and it was sooo stormy out. We got a ride home, and ended up having to walk up my laneway (which is pretty freakin long) and we nearly got blown away! We came in the house coughing and wheezing and exhausted but laughing.


Stephen is home from Mexico. I talked to him earlier tonight. He sounded a little overwhelmed with all the crap going on in his life. I want to be there for him, but it's a little hard now... And it's so hard now to know what he's thinking. But, maybe I'll see him this week. We'll see.

I Don't Blame You - Cat Power

Chemicals suck. I learned that lesson the hard way a couple months ago. But, last night and this morning reminded me that a good old fashioned drinking binge can have pretty much the same after-effects, without the serious risks to your body. I went out with a couple guy friends last night, just havin a few beers and playing poker, video games and such... And I tried to keep up with them. In fact, I was beating them for a while... But then, I realised I was in over my head and the rest of the night I spent on the bathroom floor and with a bucket beside the bed. The past two times I've drank, I've puked. I think this is a sign for me to slow down. Stephen always used to tell me when I should slow down or stop drinking... He knew my limits, now I guess I'm learning them on my own. And it hurts. I'm still pretty hung over. And all I've had to eat in two days is some crackers. This whole... "getting better, getting back on my feet" thing, isn't really working out the way I planned...

But, it's been four days since I talked to Stephen. He hasn't called me yet and I know deep down he probably won't even though he said he would. Well, he won't until he gets lonely. Haha. Maybe after he gets back from his vacation with his family he'll want to hang out, but I am not going to let myself call him at least until he gets back. Just two and a half weeks until then. That will be the longest I've ever gone without talking to him pretty much since I met him.

But, my new outdoor education class is turning out to be pretty cool. And when I say cool, I mean fucking COLD!!! We're outside pretty much everyday in the snow. If this course doesn't kill me, it might be really good for me.


That's Dylan out on our second day. It was -22 outside and we were standing around all day watching the nordic ski races and helping organize it. I had no toes or fingers by the end of the day. And the day after that we were building Quinzhees at the school and we fit 10 people into one of them! It was pretty cool. I mean cold.

Revolution - The Beatles

I bought 'The Beatles: Love' the other day. It makes me smile in so many ways. Music really can change your mood when you're feeling down, or if you listen to the wrong song it can make you feel worse... But that's a risk I'm willing to take.

I'm trying really hard to be optimistic about the whole Stephen situation. At least now I know that he does drugs, and there's no more questioning it or wondering. Yesterday he was supposed to pick me up at 1, but I waited and waited, and he never showed up so I had to go find him at Matt's after he was 2 hours late. I yelled at him a bit, but not like it mattered. He said he was sorry at least, I guess. At the end of the night, I told him if he wanted to see me again, he should call me. I'm sick of chasing him only to get hurt again and again. School starts up again on Monday and I'm gonna be pretty busy. I hope that will help me keep my mind off him.

His mom still thinks we're dating even though we broke up. In a way we still have a pretty fucked up relationship. I'm still in love with him, he doesn't know how he feels about me but likes to cuddle and have fun with me, but doesn't want a 'relationship'... He says it just feels right to hold me and be with me. And everytime he says that I can't help but think, "if it feels so right why are you pushing me away?" I'll keep my distance from him for a while, and see what happens I guess...

Beast of Burden - Rolling Stones

After work yesterday I decided I was gonna hang out with some old friends I hadn't seen in a while. So, Graham and I went to a movie. We saw Epic Movie, which was... funny, but not worth seeing twice. It made me feel a bit like a geek too... After that we drove around for a bit before deciding to go to this beer-bogging party at Harrisson Park. It was cold out, but thankfully I had my booties on and gloves in my bag, so we trudged up that huge hill. The sky was bright orange from the city lights, you could actually see pretty clearly considering it was 1am and cloudy. It looked strangely beautiful. We hung out there for a while, I had a couple drinks simply because people gave them to me. I met some people and had fun. But it was freaking cold out! Eventually a group of us decided to make our way down the hill (one way or another). Surprisingly enough, I didn't fall.

The rest of the night was mainly just driving around, all of us fitting into four cars, and Synnott was soo drunk, he was bouncing around from car to car like a monkey. At the end of the night Graham drove me home. On the way home all I could think about was Stephen and what he was up to. Even though it was 3am at this point and he might just be asleep...

I have so many random moments of missing him.