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kill the body the head will die

Good For Me - Above and Beyond

So much has happened, I don't think I'm going to even bother twisting my brain that way to remember it all and explain it so you'll understand all that I'm about to say...

Stephen is gone. He left sometime this morning for Toronto to live with his brother. I didn't say goodbye and neither did he. I feel so strange, I mean, I always knew that he was eventually leaving and I'd probably never talk to him again, but now that moment has come and gone and I have to admit, it caught me a little off guard. I shouldn't care that he's out of my life. After six months of being treated like dirt, you would expect me to have built up some sort of barrier, something to keep his sweet words out of my head and heart. But, I used to forgive him so easily, I guess nothing's really changed... Even with what he's been saying about me lately behind my back. But I deserve that.

I fell for someone else. And so far, he hasn't hurt me. I think he likes me. I don't wanna fuck this up, but, let's face it... that's what I do best. I'm happy. Which kinda makes me nervous, because 'what goes up, must come down' and now I'm just bracing myself for the inevitable fall I'm doing my best to avoid.

Okay. This is it. One book closed, another one opened. I'm gonna be better, at everything. I'm gonna get rid of all that crap that I've made into habits. Maybe I'll be able to keep the things that make me happy.

Kathy's Song - Simon and Garfunkel

A week ago he told me he was getting clean and I trusted him. I was happy for him. Today I found a bong in his room, two packs of ciggarettes (I didn't even know he smoked), a pile of k on his dresser and another pile of white powder on his shelf, and of course beer bottles scattered throughout the room...

I think the bloody kleenex all over the place is what made me realise the whole situation and how stupid I am. I'll never believe him agian. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe just fucking time... Maybe it was all my fault, I don't know... But he's not who he used to be and I'm just shit to him now. And he fucking holds me close and kisses my cheek like everything's fucking fine and nothing ever changed (and no, that's not cocaine 3 feet from your head, baby)!!!!! He can play that fucking lie, seamlessly. He's sooo good at acting like the guy that will always love you, but all he wants to do is fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

It fucking hurts to realise that that's all I am to him now. And there ain't a god damned thing in the world I can do to make him be the way he used to be...

Laying on Stephen's bed tonight, with the tv in the background shinning and flashing on us... We fell asleep and I woke up, and saw his face as he was sleeping there... This, the guy who knows me better than I know myself, I thought I'd always wake up beside him... I kissed him on the cheek, and I didn't know anything to say at that moment... So I said, "I don't know if I love you anymore". I hadn't even thought of it before it came out... And it scared me. I put my head back on his shoulder, and tried not to think. His hand wrapped around me held me a little tighter for a moment, and he said, "You don't have to."


I played my guitar on my bed last night until 3am. I played a song I never thought I'd be able to sing without crying again... A case of you by Joni Mitchell. I've been smoking too much lately. I'm letting this get the better of me. Just the bad days are so bad. And the good ones make me feel guilty. I miss his 20 minute kisses. I hate that I'm able to hurt this much because of someone I knew would never hurt me. He told me he's gonna be clean. No more drugs. I wish I could say the same. I really do. And it's so stupid. Everything is... I don't know who I am, but I think I hate me.

I saw him yesterday. He had just gotten his wisdom teeth removed so he wasn't feeling 100%. Just seeing him again made me realise how much I miss him. But he said it loud and clear that we are not getting back together. A part of me knows that's for the best, I just wish it could have been my choice so I could get some kind of closure or feeling of freedom or whatever he's feeling. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do now. It hurts so fucking much knowing that there's nobody out there thinking of you, or loving you or even wondering what you're up to. I was soo ready to get out of this town, but with him! Now I don't know where I'm gonna go, how I'm gonna live alone in that big city... I got all my strength from him. Now I'm just worthlessly me .

After I got home last night... I just broke down and cried. Seeing him again broke whatever confidence I had scrounged up while he was gone. I don't think my heart can take much more of this. I'm so god damned naive it pisses me off. I fall for him everytime. I know he's bad for me. I know he doesn't want me or love me or hell, I don't think he ever wants to see me again.... And yet I can't just stop loving him.

This couldn't have come at a worse time. But hey, I've been chemical-free sinse the 19th. But my school work is falling behind... and truth be told I have an urge just to run.

I need to learn to be more selfish. I hate how stupid that sounds but it's true. Stephen told me that. I try and do what's best and I just end up getting hurt. I just feel so guilty. Everything I do without him, I feel fucking guilty. It's not fair. And I'm doing it to myself. I wish I could be as uncaring as he is. I wish I didn't love him. I just want the hurting to stop so I can move on.

I feel like I've been lied to my whole life. And all of a sudden I'm being given a reality, and told all these different truths that people expect me to believe... I know he lies a lot, he always has. I never thought he would lie so much to me. I don't know if what everyone is telling me is true. I don't want it to be. He's a good person at heart. He just makes a lot of mistakes. I believe some things, like the stuff about him and drugs, and lying and hiding things from me... I suspected that for a while. But I don't believe some other things... He wouldn't choose drugs over me. I keep telling myself that over and over again, but I look at how much he's changed in the past few months, and I get scared. He has anger issues and he can't seem to tell the truth sometimes. It's like he convinces himself to believe his own lies. I don't know what to do now, or where we are.

If everything they're saying is true, then I'm blind and naive and in love with someone who doesn't care about me. But if it's not... then all he needs is time to figure out where I fit in his life. And I have time to figure out if I'm willing to take another chance and who I am without him.

I just wish I knew which is true...

Stephen broke up with me, again. He said he just wasn't happy in a relationship where we fight all the time. And yet, earlier that day he had been making me grilled cheese and taking care of me because I was sick... He had said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That he was so excited to move in with me and wake up next to me every day!

He doesn't tell me how he feels until it's too late. He expects things to fix themselves. Now I know, at least. I know what he wanted from me. I'm just sick and tired of hurting so he can get what he wants. I'm sick of lies and fights and I know if we get back together I could actually smarten up and give him space... But, a part of me knows he's not coming back and after almost four years... he doesn't want anything to do with me. He's already moved on. I wouldn't be surprised if he has another girl within a month or two. I feel like I've been thrown out. I have never loved anyone so much, or been willing to do anything and everything to make someone happy, and now that I've realised my faults in the relationship, it's just too late.

I don't know what I'm gonna do now. I'm terrified.

I am sick of high school. I can't wait to get out of this place and move into a shitty little appartment with Stefen, go to college and get the training I need, get a fucking job and live my life away from all this crap. The city will be a change, I know that, but I'm sooo ready for it. I think Stefen is too. I know he's got lots of people pressuring him into choosing a school to go to, but I think if he need a year off from school and shit, then he should take it. As long as I can wake up and pounce on him, I'll be happy. Kinda like this morning, I went over to his place at about 9am (I skipped my classes and their boring-ness-iss-ity) and we went to bed to nap, and after a while I just randomly rolled him over and jumped on him. It took a few tries, but he eventually woke up.