eighth-notes.net
kill the body the head will die

Only When I Lose Myself - Depeche Mode

Do you ever think about how small we are? Not even just that, but just how short a time we're here for in the grand scheme of things and how huge and awesome the universe really is? I'm reading a book Jon let me borrow called 'The Age of Spiritual Machines' and it's really making my brain hurt. And I'm only in the first couple of chapters! I wish I could somehow stick around for the next couple of hundred years, just to see what happens to the human race. I don't think I'd necisarily want to live through it all because, well let's face it, we're fucked and it's very quickly building up to a breaking point. But just to know what's going to happen and how all the peices are going to fall together... I feel like I'm going to be missing out on a lot. But, if you look at it that way, there's a whole lot of history I missed out on as well... But the future is so much more interesting and mysterious.

I'm kinda thinking that way a lot lately. I'm sick of looking back so much and living through the past, when I've got a great opportunity right in front of me to let go of everything else, and make something happen. I need to stop being afraid of change, and trying to keep things the way they used to be and never can be again. People change, even when they try not to and situations change. Yesterday I was talking to a friend I hadn't seen in months, and she made me realise that if you go into a relationship (or any other situation in life) knowing that things will change and people will change as time goes on, you can make that relationship last so much longer. If you try to keep things the same, eventually, you're just two people expecting the other person to be someone they aren't anymore. It's not fair to either of you.


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I just read what I wrote... That was deep. I think we've made a real breakthrough here tonight folks!

Lua - Bright Eyes

A few years ago my dad had some breathing problems... His vocal chords would snap shut and he would be unable to inhale. Kinda like he was being strangled. He would cough and choke and stumble around for a few minutes until he could breathe again. It used to scare the hell outa my family. My mom told me if it ever happened while she wasn't home I'd have to drive him to the hospital as fast as I could. He ended up at the hospital once, and we learned that the worst that could happen was him passing out, and his vocal chords would then relax and he'd be able to breathe again. So now when his vocal chords close up, we try and help him relax while we calm ourselves down and wait for it to be over.

I had to drive him to the hospital tonight. I'm not a good driver, I don't even have my G1, and the whole way there, all I could think about was if we crashed or got stuck in a snowbank somewhere, he could die, and it would be all my fault. He's better now. But they don't know what's wrong with him.

Today wasn't great. I was not expecting today to be so fucking harsh.

In A World Called Catastrophe - Mathew Good

Life's been crazy lately. Something happened, and I can't really say what, because it's not my place to tell people... But Stephen's in trouble. It's not like him to do something... like that and I'm worried. He called me last night, he's really worried about how things are gonna turn out and a part of me feels really bad for him, but another part is glad he finally hit a wall and maybe he'll stop doing... bad things. Does that make me a bad person? He's leaving for Mexico tomorrow. So, I said goodbye to him tonight on the phone. He didn't realise it, but I really said goodbye this time. That's it for me. I'm finally beginning to leave him behind. I don't want to hurt myself anymore by talking to him. It's better this way. I hope.

I hung out with Kevin and Snider the other night. I listened to them play guitar for a few hours, had the best meal of my life thanks to Kathy Snider, and then we went to a little bar/restaruant downtown for an open mic night. They played some songs, a bunch of people we knew showed up and all in all it was a good night.



Things are going to get better. They have to. It can't get much worse, and that makes me smile a little sometimes.