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BYE.]]>So much has happened, I don't think I'm going to even bother twisting my brain that way to remember it all and explain it so you'll understand all that I'm about to say...
Stephen is gone. He left sometime this morning for Toronto to live with his brother. I didn't say goodbye and neither did he. I feel so strange, I mean, I always knew that he was eventually leaving and I'd probably never talk to him again, but now that moment has come and gone and I have to admit, it caught me a little off guard. I shouldn't care that he's out of my life. After six months of being treated like dirt, you would expect me to have built up some sort of barrier, something to keep his sweet words out of my head and heart. But, I used to forgive him so easily, I guess nothing's really changed... Even with what he's been saying about me lately behind my back. But I deserve that.
I fell for someone else. And so far, he hasn't hurt me. I think he likes me. I don't wanna fuck this up, but, let's face it... that's what I do best. I'm happy. Which kinda makes me nervous, because 'what goes up, must come down' and now I'm just bracing myself for the inevitable fall I'm doing my best to avoid.
Okay. This is it. One book closed, another one opened. I'm gonna be better, at everything. I'm gonna get rid of all that crap that I've made into habits. Maybe I'll be able to keep the things that make me happy.]]>
The party was a success.
Everyone said they had a good night and I had a great time! I'll write more later, right now I'm going to go enjoy this good mood I'm in.
Do you ever think about how small we are? Not even just that, but just how short a time we're here for in the grand scheme of things and how huge and awesome the universe really is? I'm reading a book Jon let me borrow called 'The Age of Spiritual Machines' and it's really making my brain hurt. And I'm only in the first couple of chapters! I wish I could somehow stick around for the next couple of hundred years, just to see what happens to the human race. I don't think I'd necisarily want to live through it all because, well let's face it, we're fucked and it's very quickly building up to a breaking point. But just to know what's going to happen and how all the peices are going to fall together... I feel like I'm going to be missing out on a lot. But, if you look at it that way, there's a whole lot of history I missed out on as well... But the future is so much more interesting and mysterious.
I'm kinda thinking that way a lot lately. I'm sick of looking back so much and living through the past, when I've got a great opportunity right in front of me to let go of everything else, and make something happen. I need to stop being afraid of change, and trying to keep things the way they used to be and never can be again. People change, even when they try not to and situations change. Yesterday I was talking to a friend I hadn't seen in months, and she made me realise that if you go into a relationship (or any other situation in life) knowing that things will change and people will change as time goes on, you can make that relationship last so much longer. If you try to keep things the same, eventually, you're just two people expecting the other person to be someone they aren't anymore. It's not fair to either of you.
Check out the high spiders:
I just read what I wrote... That was deep. I think we've made a real breakthrough here tonight folks! ]]>
I'm very tired. Last night was a blurr of parties... I went to bed at about 4:30 this morning. When Dylan and Jason dropped me off, I could hear birds singing. I fell into bed without even caring if I changed my clothes or not, and woke up two hours later, got into the car with my dad and drove to Toronto to take a tour and check out Sheridan. Besides the crazy lack of sleep, I had a good time and all in all, I'm pretty happy with the place.
I have shower curtain rings stuck on my arm. I would explain that better... But that's all you really need to know. They hurt to put on, and they'll be a bitch to get off...]]>
I went to Jon's party last night. It was a pretty good time to be had by all I think. I think I impressed Jon by being able to do two shots of Tequilla in the time he did one. (It surprised even me.) Earlier in the day, my class had gone for an all day biking trip, and my ass hurt from my bike seat, and my knee got smashed on a rock, and was acting funny on me. But that didn't stop me from havin a good night. Stephen showed up around 11pm, which was fine at first, but... apparently not fine with some people later on. But that's my fault, I guess. He tried to talk to me about how it was soo unlike me to let someone else affect what I do, but I don't see it that way at all. The situation is complicated and more likely than not, it's just going to get even more complicated as time goes on.
But, Jon made me a sign! I almost got set on fire at one point during the night, so he photoshoped this, and put it on his fridge. It made me smile.
And a couple photos I got from our biking trip.
And, in other news... I am officially going to Sheridan college. I haven't told everyone yet, but by the end of the week I hopefully will. A lot of people wanted me to go to Fanshawe, but in all honesty, I'm not ready for a 3 year course. I'm not in a place where I'm so sure of what I want to do that I'm willing to make that kind of commitment and risk. It's not worth it for me. So, as much as I would love to be able to go to London with my friends and I know if I did, I'd have a blast... But, Sheridan is more along the lines of what I can handle right now and hopefully people don't get mad at me for making that choice.]]>
I'm trying to get some stuff sorted out. The past couple of weeks have been an adventure, that's for sure. I haven't talked to Stephen in a while, and as strange as it sounds... I feel better with him not being in my life as much. I almost feel guilty for saying it, but he isn't the same person he used to be and I can't keep expecting him to be. He just doesn't care about me anymore, and though that hurts, I've realised, it's really for the best. Everytime I see him, he makes me feel guilty for something I've done, or makes me feel like I'm just not worth anyone's time.
I don't like being around someone who treats me like that... And there are so many other people in my life now that actually care about me. I'm slowly realising that not every guy out there is gonna treat me the way Stephen did, and it's not normal to go through all that. I'm definatly not ready for a relationship or anything, but I am branching out a little more. Our ESP (Environmental Studies Program) class did a waste audit this week. We went through our school's garbage (yeah, all of it) and sorted out what was recyclable and what wasn't. The whole thing was a pretty interesting experience, we got all dressed up in white suits to keep the crap off us, and Dylan even brough a gas mask, which ended up being a good idea because the smell got pretty bad!
And some guy from The Sun Times came and did an article on what we were doing. Unfortunatly, it was portrayed in a more negative way than we had hoped, but that's the media for you. It was really pretty strange to see us, 20 kids in white suits and rubber gloves, sorting through huge piles of garbage while singing Bohemian Rhapsody as loud as we could (we didn't have any music, so we sang for most of the day).
I think a number of other people at school thought we were pretty nuts.But that class has turned out to be great in a lot of ways, minus some of the work. We went on a hike up to Ingles Falls and back which was a pretty fun day.
I loved getting my boots covered in mud and just walking around in the woods the way I used to all the time. 
This weekend is gonna be good I think. Jason's parents aren't home, so we'll have a place to crash at the end of our nights rather than getting Dylan or someone to drive us all home. I went to a little party last night with Jason, and he ended up getting pretty sleepy and it was cute. I think I'll be partying with him tonight too. He's one of those people that makes you feel worth something. And I need that right now.]]>
I remember the window breaking because I could feel little pointy raindrops on my back. I'm pretty sure Stephanie was with me, taking care of me, but at that point I couldn't really see anything other than what was going on in my head. Eventually Jason, Nathan and Laura showed up... I'm not really sure how that happened... And Nathan was getting me to drink water and they were putting up with me as only good friends can do. I kinda 'woke up' or 'snapped out of it', and found myself sitting in a chair, curled up with Jason and Nathan, wearing Nathan's shoes and figuring out what my body was doing. My ribs felt like they were slowly breaking and my head was lost somewhere between reality and... something else. I feel bad when people take care of me. But, there's one more hint that I should slow down a little, maybe I'll listen this time. The good times are killing me.
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A few years ago my dad had some breathing problems... His vocal chords would snap shut and he would be unable to inhale. Kinda like he was being strangled. He would cough and choke and stumble around for a few minutes until he could breathe again. It used to scare the hell outa my family. My mom told me if it ever happened while she wasn't home I'd have to drive him to the hospital as fast as I could. He ended up at the hospital once, and we learned that the worst that could happen was him passing out, and his vocal chords would then relax and he'd be able to breathe again. So now when his vocal chords close up, we try and help him relax while we calm ourselves down and wait for it to be over.
I had to drive him to the hospital tonight. I'm not a good driver, I don't even have my G1, and the whole way there, all I could think about was if we crashed or got stuck in a snowbank somewhere, he could die, and it would be all my fault. He's better now. But they don't know what's wrong with him.
Today wasn't great. I was not expecting today to be so fucking harsh.
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So I've come to the conclusion that I won't be able to pull this off for long, but I'm gonna stretch it out as long as it'll go for. I had a fun night last night, went bowling hung out with some people I don't get to see that much, which was great. I miss nights like that where you just have fun and don't worry about other shit. My only bad moment of the night was when I heard people talking about me behind my back, which I didn't really expect but whatever. Drama happens.
I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in almost a week. But, I think I like it that way. Someday soon, I'm going to go out all night and never stop just having fun with some good people, and then go someplace and just watch the sunrise. I miss the sunrise.
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